still remembering our boy

I can't believe it has been a full year since I even opened this page. Now its for the very same reason.

Chris and I spent a quiet day today doing nothing in particular. We set out in our car and drove where our hearts or distraction took us.

It's stupifying how often revolutions of others' lives crash into us as we continue to nagivate our own emotions 2 years later. Try as I might, there are still baby showers at work and random questions from others querying whether we have "just one"...uggh I hate that. I know they don't mean to injure me with the question, it just irks me that I feel compelled to answer in some stupid artifical way as opposed to what I'd really like to say. So on we go.

We're doing ok. We have our moments. My moments catch me when I least expect it, reducing me to the emotional stability of a 4 year old, while Chris continues to try and squash it down to appear strong for me. I believe our anger is gone and we speak of him fondly.

remembering finley james

Your family misses you so very much. Not a day goes by that we don't long for you. In time that will soften but not our love for you.

fun pics to bring in the new year

2007. Is it over yet?

We’re pretty sure there is not a single person in our lives who has not been touched in some extreme way this year. Pregnancy problems, job issues, marital break-ups, immigration crap, death, illness. Whatever the situation it has been emotionally laden and gut wrenching for those involved. Uggh. We, along with everyone else, are DONE with 2007. The concensus for 2007 is that "life is hard".

Bring on 2008. “It can’t get any worse.”

(Of course we know it can, especially when we watch the news and are reminded of others' plights in this world. Perspective is important yet it doesn't necessarily make things any easier...)

jack and santa

honestly, COME ON

Last night I stole some time away from the house to Starbucks to do some more work on my paper. (It’s getting there, by the way!) After about 15 minutes, the café began to get a little busy and a number of middle-aged ladies sat down just behind me. No sooner had I successfully tuned them out, my consciousness was yanked right back to the centre of their lattes when I couldn’t help overhearing one woman’s account of her daughter’s birth story. She went into detail about the dramas in the labour room and how her “natural childbirth” dream was taken away from her when she began to hemorrhage and her daughter ended up being delivered by forceps and she, oh more drama, had to be placed under general anaesthetic for the procedure. Oh, and they didn’t know if she was going to make it and then she didn’t get to see her baby for a few days.

Her female chirpy acquaintances sat perched on the edge of their seats like a bunch of finches fighting over a wiggly worm. “Oh, ah, oh no, I was scared you were going to tell us the baby didn’t make it, oh dear.”

“Oh heavens no,” she says, “The nurses called her the little Madonna, she was and is still perfect in every way.” They also sympathized that she never got to experience that natural childbirth she had dreamed about. “Oh that, well I had 6 other children, I didn’t need to worry about that!”

That, madam, is NOT a birth story. Give me 30 seconds of your time, I will tell you a birth story worth repeating which will leave you with a need to either throw up or quickly get home to hold your 6 kids.

And forgive me if this rant seems at all trite. Imagine the physiological response my brain and body manifested while I sat there taking it all in with nowhere to go; I bit my tongue to keep from either telling her to shut her cake-hole or tearing all over my laptop.

constant reminders

Babes in slings,
Baby aisles,
Double buggies,
A baby's cry,
The folded baby clothes,
The crib in my room,
Marks on my skin;
Constant reminders of what is not for us.

Visited the deleted items folder in my Outlook today and noticed a weekly email I receive from Babycenter; this one was titled, "This week, your 3.5 month old". Uggh, I had forgotten about this service. I had subscribed to the pregnancy emails as a fun way to track my baby's progress and to learn an extra little thing or too. Unfortunately, the system has no way of knowing when you DON'T bring your baby home and it simply rolls over into "Congratulations, Your baby is 1 week old!", once you pass your due dute. Shortly after Finn died the most I could do was reroute those messages directly to my deleted items because I didn't have the capacity to even open the email dare I view any of the other content while trying to find the unsubscribe instructions.

So now in place of a light informational read, I get a weekly slap in the face. How pleasant. I opened that puppy up and unsubscribed tonight, cursing the cutsy pictures along the way.

3 months today

Today marks 3 months since our dear boy Finn died. Sometimes it feels as if it never happened then the next moment it is all that has happened in our universe. I spent part of yesterday afternoon packing up his clothing. The set-up of his crib, bedding and other belongings had virtually been untouched since Aug. 5th. I had a strong moment full of distraction to put some things away so I took it. It only lasted 20 minutes or so but small increments of time when they spontaneously present themselves seems to help.

Chris continues to work and Jack and I fill our days with activities: play-dates, nature walks, and even a Mama/Jackie evening date at an over-priced sushi restaurant. I've noticed too much activity has turned into unproductive distraction so I am trying to moderate this by taking time for myself to remember Finn and also the family I get to keep. This helps but I often still feel cold when my arms remind me they are empty.

halloween 2007

While Jack gazed in awe at the massive bondfire at the Oak Bay Firehall this evening, he caught a camera man's eye and ended up on the local news introducing the festivities.



Jack is very proud of his first pumpkin (with help from Papa).

finley james

A considerable amount of time has passed since our last post. By now you know we had been expecting our second child on or around August 8th. Here is the rest of the story.

When my water finally broke 3 days before my due date, we excitedly rushed to the hospital only to discover after many attempts by the doctors, nurses, specialists and technicians, the baby no longer had a heartbeat. Within moments we were told that our baby had died.

Our son was delivered by C-section at approx. 3:40 pm on August 5th. His name is Finley James, which means "fair-haired little warrior" which he had truly been those 9 months of pregnancy. He was 8 lbs 5 oz, 20.5 inches long and was perfect and ever so beautiful. We were able to spend a lot of time with him before we had to say our goodbyes; we didn't want to let him go.


As you can only imagine our hearts have been ripped apart by this event. Never in our wildest dreams did we imagine this to be the outcome of this pregnancy, nor does any parent. But in his brief appearance in this world, he has already shown me a few things. He reminds me there are never any assurances in life, and that I have to be thankful for every precious moment I have with anything I am connected to for I may not know how long it will last. He has also clearly proven I can carry a baby to full term. Although we have no plans at the moment, it is something we may never have learned had we not taken the chance to bring him into this world. I also wondered how, as a parent, you find love for a second child when the love for your first is so incredibly strong and quite literally ferocious. I found it hard to imagine loving another being as intensely as Jack. Well, for me this love was passionate the instant I laid eyes on Finn and perhaps moments before, but I knew with every fibre in my being that it was true. Chris and I will continue to love him and will carry our memories of him ever so close indefinitely.

The stress on our little trio during the period of bed rest and Chris’ final months of law school would have been enough to drive us over the bend had it not been for the encouragement and help received from our family and friends. Our most special gratitude is extended towards our mothers who sacrificed, quite literally, months of their time to sleep on our couch so that they could prepare our meals, play with Jack and clean our home while Chris studied, I incubated and Jack demanded all of our attention.

We’ve learned that parents never really get over the loss of a child, but merely learn to continue in life, growing without them. A very raw, painful realization for us, but one we are accepting the challenge of and are doing our best to be there for each other and of course, for Finn’s big brother Jack.

it's over!

As of 12 noon today, Chris put down his pen to signify the end of merely reading about law, and the inaugeration of actually practising it. No sooner had he completed his last bar exam, he found himself shopping for suits at a high-end store downtown and testing out a future new toy!


Chris will officially be called a lawyer once he is called to the bar in Spring 2008 but he is already taking lawyer jokes/slander seriously!



Congratulations on all of your hard work, Honey!

37.57142857 weeks

Well, I have officially been on my feet for 3.57142857 weeks and have been allowed to resume most activity for 1.57142857 weeks. I cannot BELIEVE how beaten up my body feels.

What is regular pregnancy like? By midday at full-term, does your pelvis feel it will fall apart every time you rise from a chair? By suppertime, do you try to keep moving for fear of stopping and not ever being able to get up again? I think I was feeling my best 2 weeks ago but something has changed. Maybe babe has dropped a little which seems to have made my previously healthy feeling pelvis and lower abs feel as they are made of 1000-year old china ready to shatter at any given moment of physical stress.

Now that I have been able to spend more time physically taking care of Jack, time previously spent on the floor isn't really working. I've always prided myself on the ability to squat straight to the floor and up with no effort - it was very handy for lifeguarding, changing Jack's diaper, as we did not have the space for a change table, and tying my shoes without a chair. Now I can't even remotely perform that maneuver but unfortunately still try and get repeatedly stuck on the floor as Jack runs away half-dressed while I'm left to crawl to the nearest wall, piece of furniture or door-jamb to try and get upright. By the time I crawl into bed at the end of the day, I feel completely broken but then continue to wake through the night with mild contractions and leg cramps. I am so thankful, however, that bed is where my back feels its best despite the cramps and the "is the baby coming?" contractions.

So yes, I have been having contractions but they have been so inconsistent for over 4 months that I don't pay attention anymore, not even to the painful ones. Who knows how long active labour might last but if someone wants to know how long my general labour has gone on for, I think I will say 4 months, just to add yet another comic side to this crazy pregnancy.

jack's first bike ride

the waiting game at 37 weeks

For all of our family and friends who regularly check-in with calls, visits, notes, cards and emails, we have to say, you are all lacking in your ability to hide your outright disappointment that this baby has yet to be born! It's kinda sweet actually. Trust us, we are just as shocked. It has become a running joke in this household; maybe everyone thinks we have been crying wolf and that there have been no concerns all along. Maybe Cheryl was just trying to get an extended holiday and we have enjoyed watching our moms jump through hoops cleaning the floor, sleeping on our couch and chasing after Jack all day. Alas, no. On a lighter note, Cheryl is simply a regular, full-term pregnant woman about to birth a large cantaloupe. As she mentally prepares herself for that novel sensation, Chris continues studying for his Bar exam which is next week (??!!?!?). Excellent timing. Don't wish us luck, wish us a miracle.